Ok first of all it is very important to know, that I am not writing to feel better about some bad things what had happened and I want to share with the world because I am hateful! I am not hateful anymore! I am really happy! This is the first time I have found my way. And believe me You will be able to feel the same way if You read what I have learned!
Sometimes I wonder if I am the problem because I trust too easy and after a very short time. I had believed that my instinct isnt lying! And its true sometimes you just ignore your feelings and wqant to save this innocent child in you just because you dont want to be an adult and you want to trust and to be good! You want to see the good things in human and you ignore everything else. Every bad feeling and every bad emotion is just a dark tunnel you just dont want to look in! I always wanted to be good - I wanted to see the good signs and that was why I ignored the bad feelings actually also because I didnt want to be bitter - I wanted to feel happy and to be optimistic. That is also the way you should be! I wanted to fight for my right to be myself without doubt and to trust and love without expectation.
Back to the evening with Tariq. First of all it was my wish to go somewhere out of the city. I didnt want to be seen with Tariq. Not because I was doing something bad - I was doing what I wanted at this moment (The first thing i had learned from Mr. BIG - I am the typical person who just does what he wants, I am not bad or good I do what I want in that moment - Thanks Mr. BIG you have lead me to the right way). Tariq asked me why and I just said I dont want my Boyfriend to see us. He asked me whaaaaat? Do You have a Boyfriend? I just laughed. He said noo its not you, you are not the person who cheats on her boyfriend it doesnt suit You. I had to laugh because I really wasnt cheating on somebody but his comment was really funny you arent the person who cheats! YES I am not the person who cheats! He knows that, he knows that I am a "good girl" and he had played such a fucking bad game with me! One of my first questions to Tariq was - Why do you take good girls? Why dont you play fair? Why dont you take girls who also want only to go into the bed? His answer was just "its boring". Thats all! He takes good girls, promises the heaven on the earth and uses innocent naive girls just because, having sex with someone who also wants only to have sex is boring! Thats all! I wonder if he knows what he really does! This injury is much deeper than he knows. All the trust what get lost and all the happiness what dont have the chance be liven, because your experience dont let you to trust again without doubt! This girls cant laugh out their hearths, the time they are happy just because they dont believe anymore that happiness is possible in love!