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Man of the moment - Part II

Ok first of all it is very important to know, that I am not writing to feel better about some bad things what had happened and I want to share with the world because I am hateful! I am not hateful anymore! I am really happy! This is the first time I have found my way. And believe me You will be able to feel the same way if You read what I have learned!

Sometimes I wonder if I am the problem because I trust too easy and after a very short time. I had believed that my instinct isnt lying! And its true sometimes you just ignore your feelings and wqant to save this innocent child in you just because you dont want to be an adult and you want to trust and to be good! You want to see the good things in human and you ignore everything else. Every bad feeling and every bad emotion is just a dark tunnel you just dont want to look in! I always wanted to be good - I wanted to see the good signs and that was why I ignored the bad feelings actually also because I didnt want to be bitter - I wanted to feel happy and to be optimistic. That is also the way you should be! I wanted to fight for my right to be myself without doubt and to trust and love without expectation.

Back to the evening with Tariq. First of all it was my wish to go somewhere out of the city. I didnt want to be seen with Tariq. Not because I was doing something bad - I was doing what I wanted at this moment (The first thing i had learned from Mr. BIG - I am the typical person who just does what he wants, I am not bad or good I do what I want in that moment - Thanks Mr. BIG you have lead me to the right way). Tariq asked me why and I just said I dont want my Boyfriend to see us. He asked me whaaaaat? Do You have a Boyfriend? I just laughed. He said noo its not you, you are not the person who cheats on her boyfriend it doesnt suit You. I had to laugh because I really wasnt cheating on somebody but his comment was really funny you arent the person who cheats! YES I am not the person who cheats! He knows that, he knows that I am a "good girl" and he had played such a fucking bad game with me! One of my first questions to Tariq was - Why do you take good girls? Why dont you play fair? Why dont you take girls who also want only to go into the bed? His answer was just "its boring". Thats all! He takes good girls, promises the heaven on the earth and uses innocent naive girls just because, having sex with someone who also wants only to have sex is boring! Thats all! I wonder if he knows what he really does! This injury is much deeper than he knows. All the trust what get lost and all the happiness what dont have the chance be liven, because your experience dont let you to trust again without doubt! This girls cant laugh out their hearths, the time they are happy just because they dont believe anymore that happiness is possible in love!

11.3.16 15:52


Man of the moment - Part I

Yes they are just trying to enjoy the moment!



After we had our dinner in an cheap italian franchise (he had spent more than 30 minutes just to order his pasta and it took 3 minutes to cook it :-) yes they never know what they want and spend a lot of time to get it), we spoke about the past. It was 7 years ago as i had meet him the last time. I never thought, that i would meet him again in my life. And i didnt really want to meet him, it was just a revenge action to my new old (ex)boyfriend. Maybe not really revenge. Revenge would it be, if he hadnt hurt me so badly by saying "i had to think about our relationship, because you take it more seriously than me". I think i just wanted to save me from him so i had agreed to meet an another man. But we will come to Mr. BIG, as i called him during the time we were completly seperated. 

Yes it was 7 years ago as i had meet Tariq the last time. He was funny as usual and he was goodlooking as ever. But i had to think about it, what was really the reason i liked him. It was his smile. I knew it. He looked good but he wasnt my type. I just liked his smile and the magic of the moments he was able to create. The man of the moment knows how to create special moments, to conquer naive and romantic girls hearts as i was one that time maybe until this last evening. It took me 27 years and a few boyfriends to understand that there isnt anything in this magic moments similiar to the movies you know, that is based on truth. It took me 27 years to turn into a woman. I wasnt a virgin anymore after this evening. I am happy that i was able to experience this magic moments but i didnt know until i had met Tariq, that they were only like bursting bubbles. 

There isnt anything like magic moments that are fateful signs from god to show that he is the one, just because he had kissed you that right moment as it was raining and had looked in your eyes and said oh girl you are not as the other. You are special. 

Believe me if you begin to search you will find a lot of this magic moments you have experienced in a lot of bollywood and hollywood movies. And believe me they also have learned the matching sentences to the created magic moment. 

I believed in them. I had believed that they also are human with hearts. Maybe not to me, as an object of their moments happiness. The object of the moments happiness is like an icecream. You pay for it it lookes good and tastes sweet, but it is determined to be eaten in the next 10 minutes and you will never look back and say oh i miss my delicous good looking icecream because you know it doesnt have a soul and it doesnt feel anything.This is how Tariq had seen me. He didnt think that the way he had hurt me, would be like a never ending injury in my soul, just beause i hadnt been an icecream, i was/am a humanbeing with emotions and the possiblity to be hurt and sad. 

Back to the dinner: After we had spoken a lot about the last seven years and work and everything like that, i asked Tariq this very very very important and for me the worldchanging question: Tariq what was your real intention 7 years ago? Tariq:  I wanted to get you into bed. Me: What? Only that? Tariq: Yes really. Your were like a safe and i wanted to crack this safe. You are not open and i knew it. It was a project i had work on for a long time before we had gone out. I hadnt more intentions I wanted only to enjoy the moment thats all. Me not really knowing what had happened was just shoked. All this years i had thought that there was something more than only this. Why me? I didnt have an answer for that. Just because i wasnt open and i wasnt showing any attention because i really had no intention to go out with him or something like that. He had played a very good game with me. He had thought a lot about his project only to have 1 month fun with me. Yes we had fun and i had suported him by all i could. i have been going by train to the work and gave him my car to make him the life as comfortable as i could after only 2 weeks "relationship in my head". I dont know how Tariq had really used me? Tariq had exploit all the ways of using somebody. He had used me emotionaly, sexualy and financialy. How does he call himself a man? He should know that he has now a new name: The man of the moment. He is a magican. He is able to create fantastic moments but it is only the moment. He lies, he does everything you think he wouldnt do all this if he hadnt real intentions and if he dindt love me as i thought until this evening. I really believed that there was soemthing more than only this in his mind. I thought i was something special and that he had never forget me and it was my fault that this "relationship" didnt work. It wasnt my fault and after this evening i knew everything i thought to feel or to know is just nothing more than something i had created in my head.

10.3.16 17:36


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